Looking at photos of my boyfriend’s ex is a weird feeling. My stomach somehow hurts, yet I think looking at her stimulates my sense of determination. I shall explain.
You see, he is so emotional and sweet it’s taken him hmm almost 2 years? to get over her. The breakup hurt him so much that I sometimes doubt: has that feeling completely gone? Does he still regret that their relationship has ended? I know he loves me and all that. And I’ve asked him before: if your ex-gf hasn’t changed (he tells me that the reason for their breakup was that she changed as a person, completely, wanted some fun as she entered university), would you choose her over me? Stupid question, I know, but I couldn’t stop myself asking. Of course he said ‘no’. But when you know that he has loved her so so much, even though he was only 17 at the time, the question never dies down: ‘if, IF they didn’t break up, and she didn’t change at all, was the same sweet lovely girl that he’d always loved, they’d be together now because he perhaps saw their relationship as ‘perfect’ (otherwise why was he so hurt when they broke up?) Where would I be today? Would I always be 2nd best to him?’ I know it’s a little childish thinking about it that way, but these thoughts just come to me.
Anyway, I am getting distracted – was talking about looking at photos of her. She is on my boyfriend’s ‘friends list’ on Facebook and has many pictures up. Me and boyfriend exchange our passwords because we trust each other; hence I have access to her photos. She is very pretty. I don’t know if I’d find her equally pretty if I didn’t know she used to be my bf’s beloved girl though. I dunno. Well actually she looks not half as pretty when she is wearing ordinary clothes – because almost all her pictures are taken in posh, formal occasions. At least the ones she’s posted on Facebook anyway. Well at least she knows how to dress herself up well.
She looks happy and carefree. I guess that’s due to her outgoing nature. I just think too much and am not so carefree as some other girls, whom I do really envy. She is popular, way too many ‘friends’. Does that mean they are all her true friends?
She is they model girl type. Pretty, smart, charming (other people tell me). She is top of her class and goes to one of the best universities in the world and is leader of a big student organisation. She has got just about everything. This must make me feel inferior. You think it would. And I think I’m coping ok. Boyfriend tells me not to feel like that because ‘she is a changed person. She is fake to people’, apparently. Perhaps. But isn’t it so unfair though that, if she really is ‘fake’ and ‘insincere’, she still wins so much popularity? Let me tell you one story.
Well me and boyfriend accidentally bumped into her once. First and only time I’ve ever met her. She behaved as if I didn’t exist, even though I said a quick ‘hi’, politely. Absolutely shocking behaviour, no manners at all! She must not have seen me or something, I think to myself; otherwise, how could a model student representative, a ‘perfect’ girl in one sense, perhaps, not know the basic manners and at least try be polite?! Later on in the evening, however, she still didn’t acknowledge my presence and never looked at me. I felt like I was being humiliated. But I shan’t let her humiliate me – what rights does she have over me? So, I tried to live this down and, instead, mock her appalling behaviour at heart. Well it’s her own fault that she is so rude, and this can’t do her good. Just shows she’s not perfect, ey?
I really didn’t have any ill feelings towards her before that day, when I met her. I am being very honest. But afterwards, I felt sick because I thought it extremely unfair that people like her should be so popular, happy and carefree when in fact she is so horrible to some people. She least deserves that. It’s something that’s been puzzling me – how did she get her place to the top when she has such outrageous behaviour? Perhaps she is not so angelic to people who she considers wouldn’t do her any good – e.g. me, and boyfriend (apparently she broke up with him because she wanted to get someone ‘better’ at the top university? pah).
Balance of mind is something that I often emphasise to be very important. But sometimes it’s not all that plausible when things are just so unfair. But I guess I shall use her as a driving force for me to be even more accomplished myself. I am, hopefully (if I achieve the conditional grades), also going to go to the same top university. And, for that, I am proud of myself, and I think I deserve that because I have worked myself hard. Now, on which area could I ‘beat’ her? I am going to use her as motivation for me to work extra hard (not that I wouldn’t do myself justice otherwise if she weren’t there), so as to get get myself more of a balance of mind, so that one day, she wouldn’t matter to me in that way. In actual fact, I would feel myself totally above her, because I can treat people in a fair way, regardless of what advantages they would bring me, and I can genuinely love, with the puriest feelings.
Miff said,
April 27, 2007 @ 8:06 pm
“She has got just about everything.” Maybe, but YOU have the man, and it’s obvious that this bothers her when you say, “She behaved as if I didn’t exist”. You threaten her, you’re the girl he wants and loves now.
Anyway, she sounds like a miserable person, because a truly happy person has no need to be fake all the time, try to “trade up” her boyfriends (and probably friends and anything else too) and be rude to people she finds threatening. This absolutely smacks of insecurity and it doesn’t matter whether most people see it or not, insecurity is a terrible place to be and this means she is not a happy person, and tries to become MORE and MORE”popular” or “successful” to try to compensate for her true lack of self-acceptance. Of course, since she treats her boyfriends and probably her friends like tools to further these ends, she wouldn’t have any true friends who really care about her, and she knows this. Maybe she used to be different, but that’s the choice she’s made.
So, see her as a “rival” if you like, sometimes that can be good, to have a pesron you feel competitive with and you use them as a motivator to inspire yourself to push yourself harder at school and anything else you may want to compete with her on. Just don’t make the mistake of really thinking that “she has it all” and think that life would be better if you traded places with her — from this post, it sounds to me like she’s not having a good time, and probably doesn’t even know why (to be that way involves lack of insight.) On the other hand, your post conveys great authenticity, insight and self-honesty. You aren’t going to pretend you don’t feel threatened when you do, etc.. These are incredible gifts that will always serve you well in life, and will allow you to connect to friends and boyfriends in a meaningful way that truly blesses everyone involved.
By the way, the “fabulous” ex girlfriend thing that makes you doubt yourself and your mate’s love for you — it’s a universal difficulty. We all have to come to terms with it. It’s obvious to me you’re doing a great job.
winkle*twinkle said,
April 30, 2007 @ 9:40 pm
Hi Miff,
Thank you so much for reading this and leaving such a kind and encouraging message!
I guess it just sometimes puzzles me why ”fake” people appear to be so popular and seem so happy with their life. I wonder if she is just threatening and mean to people whom she finds wouldn’t do her any good, and is very nice to people whom she considers ”friends”? Hmm it does seem to me that she has some very close friends though, and perhaps it wouldn’t be fair to say that they’re not her true friends, because they only see the ”nice” side of her and not any other sides. I guess the world is never a fair place – some people can be like that and still live a content life free from many worries, while people like me who think a lot and reflect on many things can get a little too philosophical rather than practical, heh. Maybe that’s just how the world goes round…sometimes it is very difficult to distinguish between people who are true to themselves and those who are not. But I’m pretty sure one of the best ways to find out what a person is really like is to see how they treat those ”weaker” than them, and those who wouldn’t bring them any immediate advantages (in fact I think this is a famous quote from someone). It just absolutely shocks me that, being head of an organization and supposedly brilliant at socializing skills, she made the mistake of treating me in that way.
I do believe I am a confident person – if I wasn’t, the tone of that post would have been quite different I believe. In fact what I talked about above is a conversation which I have held with my parents a lot – as a family, we do prize and prioritise ”warmth of heart”, which is something that makes us all human. I have been brought up to show care and consideration to others and, although I do often see people who do not do such things that I do and relies on being ”fake” (which is their way of life) to gain popularity, I don’t regret whatever that I am doing, because I recognise that my actions, though they cannot be imposed upon everyone else, at least bring some love to this world, and make the world more beautiful.
;and of course, also because I am on my way to achieving a balance of mind. 