a dreamweaver’s diary

Looking at photos of my boyfriend’s ex is a weird feeling. My stomach somehow hurts, yet I think looking at her stimulates my sense of determination. I shall explain.

You see, he is so emotional and sweet it’s taken him hmm almost 2 years? to get over her. The breakup hurt him so much that I sometimes doubt: has that feeling completely gone? Does he still regret that their relationship has ended? I know he loves me and all that. And I’ve asked him before: if your ex-gf hasn’t changed (he tells me that the reason for their breakup was that she changed as a person, completely, wanted some fun as she entered university), would you choose her over me? Stupid question, I know, but I couldn’t stop myself asking. Of course he said ‘no’. But when you know that he has loved her so so much, even though he was only 17 at the time, the question never dies down: ‘if, IF they didn’t break up, and she didn’t change at all, was the same sweet lovely girl that he’d always loved, they’d be together now because he perhaps saw their relationship as ‘perfect’ (otherwise why was he so hurt when they broke up?) Where would I be today? Would I always be 2nd best to him?’ I know it’s a little childish thinking about it that way, but these thoughts just come to me.

Anyway, I am getting distracted – was talking about looking at photos of her. She is on my boyfriend’s ‘friends list’ on Facebook and has many pictures up. Me and boyfriend exchange our passwords because we trust each other; hence I have access to her photos. She is very pretty. I don’t know if I’d find her equally pretty if I didn’t know she used to be my bf’s beloved girl though. I dunno. Well actually she looks not half as pretty when she is wearing ordinary clothes – because almost all her pictures are taken in posh, formal occasions. At least the ones she’s posted on Facebook anyway. Well at least she knows how to dress herself up well.

She looks happy and carefree. I guess that’s due to her outgoing nature. I just think too much and am not so carefree as some other girls, whom I do really envy. She is popular, way too many ‘friends’. Does that mean they are all her true friends?

She is they model girl type. Pretty, smart, charming (other people tell me). She is top of her class and goes to one of the best universities in the world and is leader of a big student organisation. She has got just about everything. This must make me feel inferior. You think it would. And I think I’m coping ok. Boyfriend tells me not to feel like that because ’she is a changed person. She is fake to people’, apparently. Perhaps. But isn’t it so unfair though that, if she really is ‘fake’ and ‘insincere’, she still wins so much popularity? Let me tell you one story.

Well me and boyfriend accidentally bumped into her once. First and only time I’ve ever met her. She behaved as if I didn’t exist, even though I said a quick ‘hi’, politely. Absolutely shocking behaviour, no manners at all! She must not have seen me or something, I think to myself; otherwise, how could a model student representative, a ‘perfect’ girl in one sense, perhaps, not know the basic manners and at least try be polite?! Later on in the evening, however, she still didn’t acknowledge my presence and never looked at me. I felt like I was being humiliated. But I shan’t let her humiliate me – what rights does she have over me? So, I tried to live this down and, instead, mock her appalling behaviour at heart. Well it’s her own fault that she is so rude, and this can’t do her good. Just shows she’s not perfect, ey?

I really didn’t have any ill feelings towards her before that day, when I met her. I am being very honest. But afterwards, I felt sick because I thought it extremely unfair that people like her should be so popular, happy and carefree when in fact she is so horrible to some people. She least deserves that. It’s something that’s been puzzling me – how did she get her place to the top when she has such outrageous behaviour? Perhaps she is not so angelic to people who she considers wouldn’t do her any good – e.g. me, and boyfriend (apparently she broke up with him because she wanted to get someone ‘better’ at the top university? pah).

Balance of mind is something that I often emphasise to be very important. But sometimes it’s not all that plausible when things are just so unfair. But I guess I shall use her as a driving force for me to be even more accomplished myself. I am, hopefully (if I achieve the conditional grades), also going to go to the same top university. And, for that, I am proud of myself, and I think I deserve that because I have worked myself hard. Now, on which area could I ‘beat’ her? I am going to use her as motivation for me to work extra hard (not that I wouldn’t do myself justice otherwise if she weren’t there), so as to get get myself more of a balance of mind, so that one day, she wouldn’t matter to me in that way. In actual fact, I would feel myself totally above her, because I can treat people in a fair way, regardless of what advantages they would bring me, and I can genuinely love, with the puriest feelings.